Monday, November 28, 2016

Grimm Reviews – “The Wolf and the Fox”

“The Wolf and the Fox”

A wolf and fox once lived together, but the fox wasn’t too happy since the wolf was bigger and stronger and always got his way.

One day the wolf told the fox to get him something to eat or he would eat the fox. The fox went and got a lamb for the wolf. The wolf wanted more, so he went to steal another lamb. But since he wasn’t as stealthy as the fox, the wolf was discovered and beaten by the farmers.

The next day the wolf told the fox to get him something to eat or he would eat him. So the fox went sneaking around a house and came back with some pancakes. The wolf wanted more, but since he wasn’t as stealthy, he was caught and nearly beaten to death.

The wolf was limping along, but one day he told the fox to get him something to eat or he would eat him. The fox knew of a man who had a cellar full of salted meat. But this time the wolf went with him, so the fox could help him if something went amiss.

Well, the wolf started gorging himself on the salted meat while the fox only ate a bit. The fox would eat, then go back to the small hole they used to get into the cellar, saying he was looking out for people. When the man heard something going on in his cellar, he went down to look. The fox slipped back out of the hole, but the wolf had eaten so much he no longer fit and the man killed him.


I can understand a wolf eating lamb and salted meat, but pancakes?  Were old timey pancakes filled with slabs of bacon or something?

One thing I didn’t mention is that after each time the wolf was caught and beaten, the fox asked why he was such a glutton, but the wolf never answered. But I guess the moral of the story is “Don’t be a glutton, or else some guy will beat you to death for eating all of his salted meat.”

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

“An Ounce of Prevention” is free

My scifi story “An Ounce of Prevention” is free to download for Kindle from today through Sunday, November 27.  Here’s the blurb for it: 

Like most people, Jason Fisher wanted to make the world a better place, but he doubted he would ever have the chance to make much of a mark. Then a “woman” came to him, asking his help to save humanity by threatening it.

Thanksgiving story – “Coming With Forks”

Several years ago, some friends and I went to a Poe event at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire.  At one point, one of the actresses was talking with the audience and somehow the subject of pumpkin pies came up.  Specifically how they “sweat.” Her explanation as to the reason they sweat is that they know “the in-laws are coming … coming with forks.” I thought that was a great line, so I jotted it down and wrote a story to go with it.  I first published this on my website, but I then later revised it for my collection A Man of Few Words. 

“Coming With Forks”

“The in-laws are coming.  The in-laws are coming.”

“Okay everyone, calm down.” General Turkey looked over his troops.  “We knew this hour would come.  It will do us no good if we panic.”

Once everyone had settled down, Colonel Ham asked, “What’s your battle plan, Sir?”

“We’ll hit them in waves.  The first in will be the Cookie Unit.”

Lieutenant Chocolate Chip stepped forward and saluted.  “Sir, on behalf of my unit, I wish to thank you for giving us the honor of being first into battle.”

The General returned the salute.  Looking to the rest of his troops, he continued, “Once the Cookies have broken through, the rest of us will follow.  The spearhead of our attack will consist of myself, Colonel Ham, and Major Mashed, with Majors Gravy and Stuffing in support.”

“Hear, hear,” Colonel Ham piped in, while Majors Mashed and Stuffing said only, “Very well.”

After a moment Colonel Ham asked, “Major Gravy, your thoughts?”

For a few seconds there was silence, then Major Gravy blurbled a reply.

“Um, yes.  Well said.  While we make our advance,” General Turkey hurried on, “Lieutenants Casserole, Sweet Potato, and Peas and Carrots will protect our flanks.”

“What about my unit?” Lieutenant Roll asked.

“Deploy your men to fill any gaps.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Taking a look around at the assembled troops, General Turkey asked, “Do you all know your missions?”

He was treated to a chorus of “Yes, Sir.”

“Good.  Now, I won’t lie to you.  All of us will take heavy casualties today, but some will be lucky enough to live on as leftovers for a few days.  But know this, every bite they take of us will be one less bite they’ll be able to take of our precious pies.  Earlier, I spoke with Apple and Cherry and His Eminence the Pumpkin, and they wanted you to know that they thank you – from the bottom of their crusts – for your courage today.”

The General let that soak in, then cried, “Lieutenant Chocolate Chip.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Take your men in.”

“Yes, Sir.  Cookies, front.”

Once the Cookies were lined up in ranks of Oatmeal Raisin, Chocolate Chip with Walnuts, Chocolate Chip without Walnuts, Peanut Butter, and Sugar, Lieutenant Chocolate Chip cried out, “For the Pies!”

Watching the Cookies charge, General Turkey put a wing to his breast and whispered, “Such giblets.”